It was a bleak and blustery autumn afternoon when I received the first of many similar emails.
October 7, 2022
October 7, 2022
Greetings, I want to give away my late husband's Yamaha Baby Grand Piano GC1 to a passionate instrument lover. If you have any family or church in mind who will cherish it, share this message with them. God bless you.
Regards,
Arianna
I imagined Arianna to be an elderly woman with long, white hair and a sweet smile. I immediately felt sorry that she had lost her husband. I imagined him to be a retired concert pianist who could play Rach 2 instantly on request.
'A family or church in mind.' Too bad my apartment was too small and my church already had a baby grand. I definitely would have cherished this piano, but since I didn't have anyone else in mind, I passed on the email without responding.
On a crisp, fall afternoon 10 days later, I received another email. It was similar, but the widow was named Tammy, not Arianna.
October 17, 2022
Greetings,
I am giving away my late husband's Yamaha Baby Grand Piano GC1 to a passionate instrument lover as God's lead. If you have any family, Organization or Church in mind who will CHERISH it, Please help me share this message with piano teachers, piano studio, Or any family in need of a piano. God bless you.
Sincerely,
Tammy.
How interesting that Tammy is also a widow giving away the same piano that also belonged to her husband. The word CHERISH was now written with some urgency. There were strange placements of capital letters, but these were not Taylor Swift liner notes; no message could be deciphered. The cadence of her English, the incorrect grammar, and the placement of a period at the end of her name could only mean one thing.
This was definitely a sca-
ndalous murder mystery. I'm no Nancy Drew, so I decided to leave this mystery to the professionals. Surely someone would notice this strange string of events and realize the key to solving my musical theory.
And then it became personal...
November 20, 2022
Hello,
How are you doing? I am looking to give away my late husband's Yamaha baby grand piano to a passionate instrument lover, so please let me know if you will take it or have someone who will care for it.
Regards,
Bianca.
How am I doing, Bianca? No, how are you doing? Once again, her husband has also mysteriously died! And there it is. That ominous, killer baby grand piano. How in the world is it continuously killing people, always virtuoso pianist husbands, and no one is noticing?
I decided to let Bianca know my suspicions.
I wrote back:
November 20, 2022
No, thank you. It seems that Yamaha baby grand pianos kill a lot of husbands. Evidently, they are very dangerous. You, Arianna, and Tammy have emailed me that their late husband's Yamaha baby grand piano is also available. I am not interested
I love my husband too much to risk it on this dark piano.
How does the piano kill its unsuspecting victims? I wondered.
 |
| Muahahahahahaha |
Does a piano string burst mid-performance and strike them? (Yes, piano strings can burst and fly across the room.)
Do they get crushed trying to put up the lid with the high stick?
Is there a poison tuning peg that pricks them like Sleeping Beauty's spindle?
Or has Bugs Bunny rigged a key with TNT like in an episode of Looney Tunes?
In vain, I hoped that Bianca would have taken my warning seriously. But unfortunately, it appears that Elizabeth Lozano's husband was a passionate instrument lover and they unsuspectingly adopted this fiendish instrument.
May 5, 2023
I am giving away my late husband's Yamaha Grand GC1 to a passionate instrument lover. If you know of a fellow teacher, student, family or church that might be interested, please forward this email to them.
God bless you.
Sincerely,
Elisabeth Lozano
Poor, poor Mr. Lozano.
Sincerely,
Elisabeth Lozano
Poor, poor Mr. Lozano.
What prompted me to write this blog post for you, dear reader is the most recent of these tragic emails. Because it seems as though these women are continuously becoming widows and don't see the larger picture, perhaps I can spare you the pain of unsuspectingly adopting this Puck (note: This is not performed on a Yamaha).
October 5, 2023
Hello,
I hope this mail gets to you soon. I'm looking to give away my late husband's baby grand piano to a loving home, music school or church. Please let me know if you will adopt it or if you have someone in mind who wants it, just in case you don't need it.
Best Wishes,
Rebecca.
A seasoned detective really needs to look into this. Immediately.
And when they do, I hope my blog post will be the tip off and that I will get a reward for the lead.
My counsel to you, dear reader: if you have a husband, you do not want this piano. If Rebecca or any other future widow contacts you, ignore this email and do not refer her to someone else. If someone asks you on behalf of a widow, say no. It's not worth it. Do not send this widow (or future ones!) money to pay for movers that she prefers.
Oh, and here is the full text of my email to Bianca.
November 20, 2022
No, thank you. It seems that Yamaha baby grand pianos kill a lot of husbands. Evidently, they are very dangerous. You, Arianna, and Tammy have emailed me that their late husband's Yamaha baby grand piano is also available. I am not interested
in your scam.
Have a nice day.
Have a nice day.
In reality, I do love Yamaha pianos, so this is not to create a villain of all models of Yamahas, simply this one in particular.
If you do adopt it, please do us all a favor and roll it off of Navy Pier.
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